I was going to wait to do this review until an official version of the movie is available in December. The reason is, I may have obtained this gem via less than official channels. As a result, while the quality of the film is fine as far as technical specs are concerned, the subtitles leave a lot to be desired as a non-Russian speaking person. However, I think it’s a great opportunity to take an uncensored look at the seedy underbelly of bootleg foreign films. I’ve encountered this situation a few times, and it’s always a mixed bag in terms of language barrier assistance, but in this case, it’s just so much worse(?) than I’ve ever seen before. We’ll get there, and I’ll be doing a part two once the official release hits the US since I’m almost sure that I’ll finally be able to fill in all of the gaps that the lack of translation left this time around.
I actually first heard about this movie via America’s Only Humor Site, cracked.com. The lovely David Christopher Bell does periodic articles about underhyped films coming out soon. Readin about Guardians, I left the entry intrigued, and excited to experience the insanity for myself. I had to wait a few months before I got that experience, but let me tell you guys, it was totally worth the wait! This movie lived up to every expectation that I had for it, which we few if we’re being absolutely honest with each other.
So where do we start with this awe-inspiring work of greatness? I suppose the beginning would be the best place. We get some pretty well-presented background information during the opening credits sequence of the film wherein the gist is that there was a group of genetically enhanced heroes that worked for an organization called Patriot who did some stuff that the lack of subtitles prevented me from divining completely, but they did their thing, and then went into hiding. We also see the arch-nemesis of the film, Kuratov. He’s the mad scientist that initially created the Guardians back in the early 70s. Oh yeah, this movie is 100% steeped in the Cold War. Just accept it. It takes place present day, but all of the problems being experienced are a direct result of practices used during the Cold War era. Anyway, the Russian military has developed uber bots for ground combat, but “OOOOH NOOOO,” Kuratov comes to the test range and hijacks them during a field test! This is the real catalyst of the film. We then get some exposition explaining how Kuratov came to be, and why we should not like this guy. We also find out that his superpower is the ability to seize control of vehicles within a certain radius.
Next, we see the Russian counterpart to Nick Fury, Elena Larina, as she’s introduced to the clandestine organization that is Patriot. There’s some more talk about bringing the Guardians out of retirement. There’s talk of locating them because all of them have gone underground, and after some technological voodoo happens to locate them, we finally get a title card! That’s about eight minutes after the movie actually starts. It’s a little weird, but it is a different culture. So now that we’ve established the need to reorganize this superhero quintet, the movie moves into that portion of its narrative. This is where I really have to give this movie props. There are four characters that comprise the Guardians team: Ler, Khan, Arsus, and Kseniya. In an American film, we’d get some antics tracking down each member of the team with some exposition about why each character got out of the game, and why it’s a terrible idea for them to come back. Then probably more dialog as some organizational leader tries to persuade them, and then a 20 minute monologue of Matthew Mcconaughey saying, “Alright, alright, alright…” Then we’d redo that same thing for each major character in the group. In this film, Larina tracks each one down, and basically says, “Want to kill Kuratov out of revenge?” Then each character is like “HELL YEAH I DO!!!! I HATE THAT GUY!!!!” Then that character agrees to join the party, and we move on. It’s beautiful to behold, y’all! The whole process takes less than twenty minutes of the movie. It’s really a joy to behold because you know that an American film would take at least twice as long to accomplish the same thing.
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| From left to right: Larina, Ler, Arsus, Khan, and Kseniya for context purposes. Isn't that sword awesome?! |
At this juncture, let’s talk about the powers that this team is working with. Ler is kind of the team leader, and he has the ability to manipulate rocks. He can make them float, or use them as armor. It’s pretty cool I suppose. Khan is a rogue-ish type in the sense that he’s really good with some extremely cool swords, and he has the power to teleport around super duper quickly. Arsus is a werebear. I don’t believe that requires any further explanation. Kseniya has the power to turn invisible. At first, this is just when she’s surrounded by water, but we’ll discuss that further in a moment. Also, she can regulate her internal body temperature at will. It’s never explained how this is remotely useful so we’ll just forget about it.
Okay, after all of the characters are introduced, and brought back together, they’re sent off to apprehend Kuratov. But in true action movie trope fashion, they end up sucking the biggest of rocks in their first attempt because, surprise, while they have great strengths, they never took any time to refresh how to work as a team. As a result, they each take off on their own and get caught because, surprise again, Kuratov, the guy who created them, knows all of their weaknesses! With the team apprehended, Kuratov takes control of a bunch of military vehicles, like tanks and stuff, and uses his arsenal to invade Moscow, which he does successfully. This is all in a ploy to take control of a Cold War era Soviet satellite so that he can then use that satellite to infect all of the other orbital satellites with a virus that will let him take control of all of the technology on the PLANET! *Mustache twirl* Seriously, this is the most satisfyingly convoluted plan from a villain in years! It’s amazing!
While Kuratov is taking over the seat of Russian government, Larina frees the team, and takes them back to Patriot HQ. If you’re thinking that this is the point in the film where the heroes get a pep talk and new toys, you’d be absolutely right! Larina gives them an inspirational speech about learning to complement each other’s strength, and how doing so will give them the ultimate power. Then they get new costumes. Ler’s amplifies his rock power, Khan’s makes it so that he isn’t affected by tranquilizers (that’s how Kuratov got him in the first place), Kseniya’s allows her to turn invisible no matter the environment, and also to turn things that she touches invisible, and finally, Arsus gets a belt-fed weapon. You didn’t read that wrong. Some writer asked himself, “How do I improve on a werebear” And the answer was give him a belt fed weapon! Not gonna lie y’all, it was at this point in the film that I was literally weeping tears of joy!
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| Me during the new toy scene |
Having received their upgrades, the team takes off for their final confrontation with Kuratov. This is obviously going to take place in Moscow, and let me tell you, the complaints about all the destruction in Avengers, or Batman versus Superman have nothing on this movie. The bulk of Moscow city center is just levelled during this final battle. It’s ridiculous! Ridiculously awesome! There are explosions, and entire skyscrapers collapsing! Okay, that may be a little insensitive in light of the fact that 9/11 was just a few days ago, but this is all pretend and the context in which is all takes place is just awesome. However, the editors have instructed me to let you all know that we here at Critical Mass felt much sorrow and anguish both during and after the tragedy of 9/11, and our hearts go out to all of those who experienced loss during that time.
Okay, so the takeaway is that in context of this film, the destruction is just incredible. What happens next is maybe not quite as much(?). Khan has not been present for most of this because if you’ve got a guy who can teleport, you obviously need to drop him out of a plane. And what kind of plane would be worthy of such an action movie trope honor?
That’s the Ilyushin Il-76. It’s pretty darn big. Here’s one compared to the C-130:
Yeah, it’s pretty big. It’s not the biggest plane in the world though. But it’s big. Anyway, Kuratov is doing his science-y stuff, and then our heroes make their attack! The first have to short out some power source that will temporarily power down a forcefield that Kuratov has erected around his satellite hacking platform. Then they can make their direct attack, but only after they cross some steel cables to the platform where Kuratov is doing his thing, which is about 1000 feet in the air. They manage to do so under much peril, and then they’re able to make their direct attack against Kuratov. But alas, they’re getting stomped! So in typical trope-y fashion, Khan digs deep and pushes his abilities to the extreme by making a teleport jump from further than he ever has before! And at about 2000 feet in the air at that! He makes it, and the team fights gallantly. However, all looks lost, and so Khan tosses a sword up to the plane, which grabs everyone by some rope, and whisks them off the platform. The plane gets damaged from the explosions of all the ordinance that the Russian military erroneously launched at Kuratov’s platform. I say erroneously because the guy can manipulate technology so obviously he just takes control of the missiles, and uses them blow up everything around him.
Anyway, the Guardians wash up on the banks of a river after Khan cuts them free from the aforementioned plane that got destroyed. Then they discuss going back to finish the job. However, Larina explains that they have greater untapped powers if they can only work together. So they group hug, and they create a giant EMP that damages Kuratov’s satellite hacking antenna, and Kuratov falls to his death, and the day is saved! But it wouldn’t be a trope-y action film without a stinger, and you can bet the farm that this movie has one! After the movie ‘ends’ we get a teaser scene where Larina attacks a truck. On the truck she interrogates a soldier who says that he was sent on the mission by a character named Ferrum. There’s also talk about a fifth Guardian. Then we finish up the credits.
Alright, that was a long synopsis. I’m sorry for that. I just want you to be up-to-date on what’s going on in this film. It’s important. This is going to be an uncharacteristically un-critical critique. Like I said, I had very few expectations going into this movie, and they were all fulfilled. The quality of the movie in terms of picture and sound was great. That’s a potential problem when you obtain things unofficially, but in this case, it was great. I had to find the subtitles separately, but the Internet is a big place, y’all. That wasn’t that hard. The cinematography in this movie is surprisingly well done. There are fantastic, dare I say sweeping wide angle establishing shots. The angles used on characters are effective. The lighting and contrast help enrich the narrative, and use of color is actually a bit better than in a lot of US movies, at least when there is color in frame. The acting is… Well, I can’t really comment on that as this is the only Russian film I’ve ever seen. I think it gets a tiny bit over-the-top a couple of times, but it is a superhero film so that’s to be expected. The story is pretty tight, at least as much as I was able to understand from the subtitles. The pace is brisk, which I can appreciate. There aren’t any huge, story ruining plot holes. And finally, the music is pretty good. I think my only two gripes are that the characters are pretty flat and stereotypical, and the subtitles were, at times, completely incomprehensible. Other than that, two thumbs up. I really have to applaud this movie even moreso because the studio produced a film that it just shy of Hollywood blockbuster quality on a budget of 5.5 million dollars. I watched this with a friend and he commented that the movie was almost as good quality as a Hollywood movie, and then he heard the budget, and nearly lost his jaw to the floor. It’s really amazing in that context. It's seriously one of the best foreign films that I've seen all year! It's rife with tropes from start to finish, but in all the right ways, and it's just fun to watch!
Seriously, y’all, this movie drops in the US on December 5, and I already have it on pre-order through Amazon. Once it’s out, stream it through Amazon Prime, or get it from Netflix DVD services, or something, but give this movie a watch because I promise you, you will not be disappointed! It’s just so much fun to watch! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Stay tuned to next week to see what kind of fun we can get into!
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