Transformers Movies: A Compare and Contrast

  

Alright, y’all, I have a deep, dark confession that I need to make. It’s the sort of thing that might absolutely destroy my credibility as a blog review writer, but I feel like I finally need to get this off of my chest so here goes… I didn’t not like the Michael Bay Transformers movies. There, I said it, and I’m not even sorry! Actually, I’ve made this confession before. I did a sweet review about Age of Extinction last year, but this confession goes a bit deeper than just that. I hope you’re bracing yourselves because this is a real doozy of a confession that we’ve got here! Ready? Good. I wasn’t terribly impressed with the 1986 Transformers movie. I know that, much like my opinion on John Williams, this probably isn’t going to be a very popular opinion, but it is what it is. The funny thing is, I didn’t even realize that it wasn’t the amazing work of awesomeness that everyone claims it to be until I took my wife to see The Last Knight in theaters. I’ve noticed a number of parallels in where the general story of the live-action movies has been going, and although not done terribly well, I still get kind of excited that some service is being done to the original show and the lore that it introduced.

The thing is, I go into Michael Bay Transformers movies with extremely low expectations. Watching a Michael Bay film is like driving a Yugo from the 80s. You know you’re going to get a disjointed and underwhelming experience, but you do it for the nostalgia… Or… Something. Okay, that analogy doesn’t work entirely, but hopefully you get the point. Which is, that Michael Bay has a very distinct style, and so no one should ever be surprised by one of his films. He sticks to that style lick sap on your shoe sole. As such, I didn’t expect much going into the experience, but something unforeseen happened that day at that theater. I actually enjoyed myself! And then on the way home, I was excitedly telling my wife about all of the new story points that were being worked into the movie by the end, and where they had come from originally, and I kept saying that she needed to watch the 86 film so that she too could understand. And, just like so many nerds before me, I kept going on about how great this movie was, and how much I had loved it as a kid.

I’d like to think that my wife loves me unconditionally forever and ever. I’ve tested this theory to a miniscule extent by doing some pretty stupid stuff since we got married, and she’s never been anything but loving and compassionate, which left me feeling sheepish at times, but still confident in myself. However, watching the 86 Transformers with her was the first time I can consciously remember feeling embarrassed in our relationship. It’s pretty easy to tell when she’s checked out because she’ll start reading a book, and she did so almost immediately as we watched. That’s really what got me thinking about this particular topic so let’s take a look at the 86 Transformers and contrast it with The Last Knight, and to a lesser extent, the rest of the franchise.

First, let’s briefly look at The Last Knight. The basic jist of the story is that Quintessa, the self-proclaimed creator of the transformers, has brainwashed Optimus Prime, and turned him into a tool for getting some sort of staff that would allow her to restore Cybertron. In the meantime, various government agencies have created a clandestine group to just kill all the transformers, regardless of their affiliation. Also in the meantime, giant horns begin cropping up around the Earth. There’s stuff, and more goofy stuff, like the movie totally riffs on Ocean’s Eleven with a super cheesy round up of the villains scene. The broad strokes is that Quintessa is trying to destroy Unicron, which has melded with Earth, so that she can restore power to Cybertron. By the end, Megatron, who totally came back in this movie, and Quintessa are thwarted from destroying the Earth, but Earth and Cybertron are inextricably linked by the end. Megatron seems well and truly done, but Quintessa manages to survive and she approaches some scientists about a way to destroy Unicron.

I’m sure you can see why I got all excited about this movie, especially as it pertains to the 86 film. Of course, with any new Transformers movie comes the inevitable spewing of rage. Everyone seems to get some sort of cheap thrill over proclaiming to all who will listen that Michael Bay is ruining their childhood, and that the movies are just an underhanded grab for cash, both in the form of Chinese ticket sales, as well as merchandising. People also really enjoy talking about how each movie has its annoying characters that just kill the entire experience, and how the camera work is awful because it’s moving from thing to thing too quickly. And then the coup de grace in the argument for terminating Michael Bay’s access to Hollywood dollars is how much better the 86 movie is than the new ones.

If we’re going to continually come back to that aspect of the argument, the shouldn’t we be acutely aware of what we’re defending in the process. I certainly think so. So let’s take a look shall we? The story goes like this. The Decepticons have seized control of Cybertron after a final confrontation between them and the Autobots. The Autobots have been secretly been preparing a retaliatory operation from the two moons of Cybertron. Needing Energon, Optimus sends a shuttle to get some from the Earth base. Megatron and his goons figure out what’s going on, and they kill all of the Autobots aboard, and then they take to attacking the Autobot base on Earth. A distress signal is sent, and the rest of the Autobots come to the rescue. Unfortunately, Optimus is killed in the attack. Optimus gives the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus.

Meanwhile, all of the Decepticons who were wounded in battle float through space until they are found by Unicron. He eats most of them, and then Megatron talks him into making them his lackeys. Unicron agrees that this is a good idea and turns Megatron into Galvatron. Megatron wastes no time in avenging Starscream’s treachery by interrupting his coronation as leader of the Decepticons and killing old Starscream. Megatron then heads back to Earth to finish off the Autobots. The Autobots escape via several shuttles. This is the sequence where we’re introduced to the Quintessons. We’ll find out later that they created the Autobots and Decepticons to be used as slave labor. But for now, they’re just funky, weird creatures that like to kill things.

The movie culminates in a final battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons. Galvatron and Hot Rod face off inside Unicron where Hot Rod gets the Matrix, which promptly joins with him and turns him into Rodimus Prime. Rodimus ostensibly defeats Galvatron, and destroys Unicron using the power of the Matrix, and the Autobots reclaim Cybertron as their home as the audience is left to wait until season 3 of the show to finally see how everything ends.

On paper, there does appear to be more to the animated film than the latest live action film, but we can also chalk that up to the fact that I’ve only seen the newest live action movie once so I’m a little blurry on the story. But story aside, how does this alleged gem of 80s awesomeness stack up to the cinematic abortions that every claims the live action franchise to be? Let’s break a few of the most common criticisms down, and then contrast them with what’s actually in the 86 film.

The most common gripe I hear these days is that Bay puts annoying characters in his movies. Sometimes that gripe is warranted, as in the case of Revenge of the Fallen where the annoying characters were also racist stereotypes. However, take a look one of the characters from the 86 film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrMbkbTPrPA

That’s a clip of Wreck Gar. He’s the leader of the Junkions. They speak TV. You read that right. He’s the leader, voiced by Eric Idle of Monty Python fame, and he’s pretty annoying. Now take a look at this wonderful website:

http://www.behindthevoiceactors.com/movies/Transformers-The-Movie/

This site conveniently provides pictures of the characters as well as sound bytes of their voices. Do me a quick favor and click on Wheelie and Blurr. Wheelie has a high pitched nasally voice with a synthesized overlay, and Blurr talks at five hundred words per minute. They’d be fine in small doses, but they see a good bit of screen time in the last half of the movie. So....

The next biggest gripe I hear pertains to the frenetic way that Bay shoots his scenes. I got nothing here except to say that he’s Michael Bay. You should know better. Honestly, I only find this mildly annoying. I do like me some grand, sweeping establishing shots, but if the action is supposed to be fast paced, and disorienting, then I could see some merit to this technique if it were being used well. And even I’ll admit that Bay doesn’t tend to use this technique exceptionally well.

The last biggest gripe that I hear from people regarding these films is that Bay doesn’t take any time to develop any of his characters. I’m not really going to argue this point. There’s definitely a lot of room for greater character development from the side of the human characters. On the point of the transformers characters though, I’m willing to contend to a point that those characters require very little development since they’ve been around nearly 40 years, and the live action films aren’t using any new iterations of the characters to begin with. So we’re supposed to already know what the Transformer characters are all about. It’s a flimsy way to look at things for sure, but I think if we’re going to be totally honest with ourselves, then we need to at least acknowledge that it’s a thing. I suppose that related to that, a lot of people don't seem to think that the movies really rely a whole lot on their plot. While I can agree with this point of view to an extent, I think that after Dark of the Moon the films have really been working toward a bigger payoff, and I, for one, am morbidly curious to see what that payoff is, even if it involves watching 14 more films. (I pray that it does not.)

On the flip side, one could say that with the exception of the Primes, there’s very little actual character development in the 86 film. And the extent of that development is in the form of killing Optimus, and giving the matrix to Rodimus. Certainly, that’s to very deep development, but it is present. There’s a little bit more to that as Rodimus learns leadership skills, but it’s skant, and we should just accept that it’s scant. At the end of the day, this 86 movie came out for much the same reasons that the live action films come out every three or four years: Hasbro wants to make money off of merchandise. With every new Michael Bay helmed film, there’s a new slew of toys, and personal accessories to buy. In the case of the 86 film, Hasbro wanted to do a wipe of the entire product line, and start over with new figures to sell kids. One thing that got under my skin for a long time was that the characters after the movie didn’t resemble real world counterpart automobiles. I liked when I could see a character in vehicle mode and recognize the vehicle that they were impersonating. I do like that about the newer movies, even if it means that the films are two hour long advertisements for GM products.

I realize this may not be my strongest offering ever, but I have a bigger point that I’d like to make now that I’ve rambled for a while. Recently, a certain beloved sci-fi franchise attempted a return to form on the Interwebs. There were extreme reactions that went to both ends of the spectrum. Some loved it, some hated it, and still others were still on the fence. This reviewer opted out of striking while the iron was hot so to speak in order to gather a bit more information before passing judgement. The rational, Vulcan side of me just couldn’t make a snap judgement summarily on something for which I had only viewed 80 minutes. I’ll gladly share my thoughts next week. In the meantime, I’ve seen some pretty ugly things go down since this event, and it’s pretty shameful. We all think very much differently from each other. As a result, we all tend to form drastically different opinions of things. Lots of folks have been falling back on the IDIC argument to state their case, but by its very nature, the IDIC principle would have to accept, and respect the opinions of detractors equally as much as those of the supporters. There cannot be Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations if there isn’t diversity to start with. I’ve seen some on social media going so far as to forbid negative comments on this particular revival event. There’s certainly no diversity there.

The fact of the matter is, there are always going to be people on either side of the aisle as it were. Much like the Transformers there will be those who like the live action movies despite their flaws, and there will be those who, through the eyes of nostalgia, hold the original stuff near and dear to their hearts. Neither side can be wrong because the whole experience is subjective. The mark of a great person is their ability to learn how to agree to disagree, and accept others despite ideological differences, assuming, of course, that those principles don’t do harm to others. If someone is a staunch supporter of cannibalism, by all means, shun them! But if they simply disagree with you on the greatness of a new thing, there’s no need for all of the rage and vitriol. It takes way too much energy to be angry to waste in on ultimately trivial things. In the immortal words of one Bill S. Preston, “Be excellent to each other.” In a more serious vein, be the result of the change that you want to see, and also stick around to see what I thought of the new Star Trek Discovery right here next week!

Reviewing Some New Stuff: The Orville

If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know that I tend to try and stay away from reviewing really new stuff. It’s not that I don’t like things that are being currently released, it’s just that I’m a pretentious snob who doesn’t feel like much that comes out anymore contains the same level of passion and imagination as the older stuff that we used to get. I see newer films as being lazy, and burdened with unnecessary elements like pedantic exposition, unrealistic computer effects, and plot holes so big you could drive a supertanker through them. But, no really, I just feel like, at least as far as TV and movies are concerned, that the older things have a certain quality to them that I find more appealing. However, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least try to keep up with all the hip new things that all of the cool kids are doing. Also, with a new Star Trek show coming out in just a couple of days, I figured now would be a great time to take a look at something that’s a slightly different flavor from the same general vein of entertainment. Hence, we’re going to look at Seth MacFarlane's newest sci-fi comedy series The Orville.

I’ve generally heard nothing, but positive things about this new show, and I think that’s great! We’ve had sci-fi shows non-stop for forever, but I think they’ve lost something that this show in particular is trying to revive, but we’ll get to that. The basic premise of the show is that after a painful divorce, Commander Ed Mercer slides into a life of mediocrity. When a starship captain retires, a replacement is needed, and so he’s promoted to captain, and given command. His crew is somewhat rag tag, and his ex-wife ends up being his XO, and that’s the pot of ingredients that set the stage for The Orville. We’re only three episodes in so a lot of my review will have to be impressions based on observation as there just isn’t a lot of hard material to draw conclusions off of at this point.

I like the characters in this show. Sure, they’re stereotyped to a degree, but with as many fictional characters as have existed in our culture, is it even possible to come up with a truly original character idea these days? Stereotyped characters would be a negative, but these characters are treated extremely well. They all have personalities that make them engaging, and they all get a good amount of presence in each episode to give them opportunities for development. This is typically where I would drone on, and on about each character, but I don’t want to spoil anything for those who have intentions of watching, but haven’t had a chance so suffice it to say that I think the cast of characters have the potential to be a memorable, and lovable group as time progresses on the show.

I love the universe that’s been created for this show! It’s very reminiscent of Star Trek circa Next Generation, but totally unique in its presentation. Where TNG was always very prim about how it got treated, as a comedy, and a parody, Orville can spin off in directions that TNG just wasn’t allowed to explore due to its pedigree. For example, the ‘mundane’ aspects of life in general such as adultery, and divorce are subjects that were maybe a little too specific for Trek to tackle. The idea of seeing people replicating non-perishable goods for entertainment is something that, again, is really mundane for Trek to stray into representing as it’s trying to tackle bigger social issues. However, it’s a really nice change of pace to see regular people doing regular things on a regular basis. Sure, I love my Trek heroes, but far too seldom did we get to see those characters doing everyday things that made them relatable on a more personal level. I like that aspect of Orville.

I’ve been super impressed with the production aspects of Orville thus far. With very few exceptions, which I will refrain from mentioning so as to not spoil the experience for others, everything about the show has been extremely well put together. The props and sets look wonderful! The ships are gorgeous! The costumes are well-made, and incorporate an insane bit of detail! Lighting is superb, the cameras are used incredibly well, the makeup for aliens looks good even under the harsh scrutiny of 1080p high definition, and because it’s my schtick, the music is phenomenal! The one thing I can say that took a minute for me to warm up to was the writing in general, but specifically the humor. I tend to be leery of Seth MacFarlane as his shows are kind of hit or miss for me depending on both the show, and what season we’re talking about. So when I heard about this show, I was a little skeptical. Indeed, I didn’t find myself laughing quite as much as I had expected through the first two episodes, but by episode three, I was totally on board! I marvelled as I thought, “It usually takes Star Trek three seasons to really get its legs under itself, but Orville did it in three episodes!” Wow! Just… WOW! That’s a real credit to the crew involved in this project.

Without being too specific, I’m pleased to be able to say that Orville is really trying to carry on the legacy of Star Trek in spirit. While the humor is there, it’s not the biggest focus of the show, thankfully. Watching an episode of Orville is a lot like watching an episode like Q-Pid in TNG. The humor is there, but it doesn’t detract from the commentary. Oh, and there is a ton of commentary in this show. And what I like about that situation is that the commentary is just getting more and more brazen as the show matures. The latest episode uses no subtlety in its comments about our society. It’s all just out there for everyone to see; no punches pulled. That’s an aspect of the Trek pedigree that I hope Orville continues to reflect. That unflinching look at cultural issues launched Star Trek into the stratosphere, and beyond, and I believe that it could do the same for Orville.

While we’re on the Trek pedigree, I think it’s a great time to discuss some more abstract strengths of Orville. There are some tangible similarities between Orville and its muse. For example, tractor beams are called tractor beams, food replicators are called food replicators, and the aesthetics of the show are very reminiscent of TNG-era Trek. However, there are some more abstract similarities that really bolster the show’s strength. I’m not entirely certain how to express them, but I’ll put it this way: As I watched the pilot, I felt like it was 1994, I was 12 again, and I was watching an episode of TNG. The Orville quite successfully managed to tap into that bit of nostalgia for me. It was a wonderful and amazing experience to be swept up in that type of emotional response. I think this hearkens to my comment about a certain something that’s been missing in sci-fi as of late. I feel like, although we’ve been getting some really good science fiction, it’s all been hyper focused on the grit, and the post-apocalyptic, and just the depressing ‘real’ aspects of existence. That sort of formula is seen as edgy and whatnot, and so I think Hollywood has used that as a way to ‘remain relevant’. But think back to the 80s and the 90s sci-fi. Yes, it was often cheesy, and sometimes too far beyond the realm of belief to be taken seriously, but most of it had one general thing in common: It was optimistic about our future as a species. Most sci-fi from that era was saying that while we had our struggles now, in the future we were going to find ways to overcome those weaknesses and grow in a positive way. That’s primarily something that Gene Roddenberry championed, but it was an idea that I think a lot of sci-fi writers of the day latched onto.

That optimism is something that the world needs I think. We’ve got some crazy stuff that we’re dealing with right now, but I think we need a place that we can escape to for an hour a week to dream of the day when all of these crazy things are just a footnote in history, and we’re able to say with confidence that we came out a better species because of those struggles. We’ve been so focused on the struggle part in sci-fi lately that we’ve forgotten to dream about the positive payoff at the end, and I can’t stress enough how much I love that Orville is training its lens on that area of sci-fi again. It’s refreshing, and it’s comforting to be getting something that feels familiar for all of those reasons. I’m not saying that I don’t want to get my Expanse, or my 100 anymore because I thoroughly enjoy those shows, and I would be sad to see them go. However, I hope that Orville can plot a parallel course that can balance the take on our species’ future a bit so that I can have my dark and gritty and my bright and optimistic.

I highly recommend that if you haven’t given this show a try, you do so as soon as you can. It’s on Fox every Thursday at 9 pm now, or you can stream it on Fox.com. It’s a seriously refreshing take on science fiction, and if you loved TNG, I think you’ll enjoy this show just as much. I can’t say enough positive things about it. Some of you may think I’m going soft, but I promise you, it’s just that good. Here’s hoping that when I inevitably compare and contrast Orville with Star Trek Discovery next week, that I can be as positive about that. Stay tuned because next week could be a doozy!

Zashchitniki (The Guardians) Pt. 1: Vodka Driven Insanity

I was going to wait to do this review until an official version of the movie is available in December. The reason is, I may have obtained this gem via less than official channels. As a result, while the quality of the film is fine as far as technical specs are concerned, the subtitles leave a lot to be desired as a non-Russian speaking person. However, I think it’s a great opportunity to take an uncensored look at the seedy underbelly of bootleg foreign films. I’ve encountered this situation a few times, and it’s always a mixed bag in terms of language barrier assistance, but in this case, it’s just so much worse(?) than I’ve ever seen before. We’ll get there, and I’ll be doing a part two once the official release hits the US since I’m almost sure that I’ll finally be able to fill in all of the gaps that the lack of translation left this time around.

I actually first heard about this movie via America’s Only Humor Site, cracked.com. The lovely David Christopher Bell does periodic articles about underhyped films coming out soon. Readin about Guardians, I left the entry intrigued, and excited to experience the insanity for myself. I had to wait a few months before I got that experience, but let me tell you guys, it was totally worth the wait! This movie lived up to every expectation that I had for it, which we few if we’re being absolutely honest with each other.

So where do we start with this awe-inspiring work of greatness? I suppose the beginning would be the best place. We get some pretty well-presented background information during the opening credits sequence of the film wherein the gist is that there was a group of genetically enhanced heroes that worked for an organization called Patriot who did some stuff that the lack of subtitles prevented me from divining completely, but they did their thing, and then went into hiding. We also see the arch-nemesis of the film, Kuratov. He’s the mad scientist that initially created the Guardians back in the early 70s. Oh yeah, this movie is 100% steeped in the Cold War. Just accept it. It takes place present day, but all of the problems being experienced are a direct result of practices used during the Cold War era. Anyway, the Russian military has developed uber bots for ground combat, but “OOOOH NOOOO,” Kuratov comes to the test range and hijacks them during a field test! This is the real catalyst of the film. We then get some exposition explaining how Kuratov came to be, and why we should not like this guy. We also find out that his superpower is the ability to seize control of vehicles within a certain radius.

Next, we see the Russian counterpart to Nick Fury, Elena Larina, as she’s introduced to the clandestine organization that is Patriot. There’s some more talk about bringing the Guardians out of retirement. There’s talk of locating them because all of them have gone underground, and after some technological voodoo happens to locate them, we finally get a title card! That’s about eight minutes after the movie actually starts. It’s a little weird, but it is a different culture. So now that we’ve established the need to reorganize this superhero quintet, the movie moves into that portion of its narrative. This is where I really have to give this movie props. There are four characters that comprise the Guardians team: Ler, Khan, Arsus, and Kseniya. In an American film, we’d get some antics tracking down each member of the team with some exposition about why each character got out of the game, and why it’s a terrible idea for them to come back. Then probably more dialog as some organizational leader tries to persuade them, and then a 20 minute monologue of Matthew Mcconaughey saying, “Alright, alright, alright…” Then we’d redo that same thing for each major character in the group. In this film, Larina tracks each one down, and basically says, “Want to kill Kuratov out of revenge?” Then each character is like “HELL YEAH I DO!!!! I HATE THAT GUY!!!!” Then that character agrees to join the party, and we move on. It’s beautiful to behold, y’all! The whole process takes less than twenty minutes of the movie. It’s really a joy to behold because you know that an American film would take at least twice as long to accomplish the same thing.

From left to right: Larina, Ler, Arsus, Khan, and Kseniya for context purposes. Isn't that sword awesome?!

At this juncture, let’s talk about the powers that this team is working with. Ler is kind of the team leader, and he has the ability to manipulate rocks. He can make them float, or use them as armor. It’s pretty cool I suppose. Khan is a rogue-ish type in the sense that he’s really good with some extremely cool swords, and he has the power to teleport around super duper quickly. Arsus is a werebear. I don’t believe that requires any further explanation. Kseniya has the power to turn invisible. At first, this is just when she’s surrounded by water, but we’ll discuss that further in a moment. Also, she can regulate her internal body temperature at will. It’s never explained how this is remotely useful so we’ll just forget about it.

Okay, after all of the characters are introduced, and brought back together, they’re sent off to apprehend Kuratov. But in true action movie trope fashion, they end up sucking the biggest of rocks in their first attempt because, surprise, while they have great strengths, they never took any time to refresh how to work as a team. As a result, they each take off on their own and get caught because, surprise again, Kuratov, the guy who created them, knows all of their weaknesses! With the team apprehended, Kuratov takes control of a bunch of military vehicles, like tanks and stuff, and uses his arsenal to invade Moscow, which he does successfully. This is all in a ploy to take control of a Cold War era Soviet satellite so that he can then use that satellite to infect all of the other orbital satellites with a virus that will let him take control of all of the technology on the PLANET! *Mustache twirl* Seriously, this is the most satisfyingly convoluted plan from a villain in years! It’s amazing!

While Kuratov is taking over the seat of Russian government, Larina frees the team, and takes them back to Patriot HQ. If you’re thinking that this is the point in the film where the heroes get a pep talk and new toys, you’d be absolutely right! Larina gives them an inspirational speech about learning to complement each other’s strength, and how doing so will give them the ultimate power. Then they get new costumes. Ler’s amplifies his rock power, Khan’s makes it so that he isn’t affected by tranquilizers (that’s how Kuratov got him in the first place), Kseniya’s allows her to turn invisible no matter the environment, and also to turn things that she touches invisible, and finally, Arsus gets a belt-fed weapon. You didn’t read that wrong. Some writer asked himself, “How do I improve on a werebear” And the answer was give him a belt fed weapon! Not gonna lie y’all, it was at this point in the film that I was literally weeping tears of joy!

Me during the new toy scene

Having received their upgrades, the team takes off for their final confrontation with Kuratov. This is obviously going to take place in Moscow, and let me tell you, the complaints about all the destruction in Avengers, or Batman versus Superman have nothing on this movie. The bulk of Moscow city center is just levelled during this final battle. It’s ridiculous! Ridiculously awesome! There are explosions, and entire skyscrapers collapsing! Okay, that may be a little insensitive in light of the fact that 9/11 was just a few days ago, but this is all pretend and the context in which is all takes place is just awesome. However, the editors have instructed me to let you all know that we here at Critical Mass felt much sorrow and anguish both during and after the tragedy of 9/11, and our hearts go out to all of those who experienced loss during that time.

Okay, so the takeaway is that in context of this film, the destruction is just incredible. What happens next is maybe not quite as much(?). Khan has not been present for most of this because if you’ve got a guy who can teleport, you obviously need to drop him out of a plane. And what kind of plane would be worthy of such an action movie trope honor?

That’s the Ilyushin Il-76. It’s pretty darn big. Here’s one compared to the C-130:

Yeah, it’s pretty big. It’s not the biggest plane in the world though. But it’s big. Anyway, Kuratov is doing his science-y stuff, and then our heroes make their attack! The first have to short out some power source that will temporarily power down a forcefield that Kuratov has erected around his satellite hacking platform. Then they can make their direct attack, but only after they cross some steel cables to the platform where Kuratov is doing his thing, which is about 1000 feet in the air. They manage to do so under much peril, and then they’re able to make their direct attack against Kuratov. But alas, they’re getting stomped! So in typical trope-y fashion, Khan digs deep and pushes his abilities to the extreme by making a teleport jump from further than he ever has before! And at about 2000 feet in the air at that! He makes it, and the team fights gallantly. However, all looks lost, and so Khan tosses a sword up to the plane, which grabs everyone by some rope, and whisks them off the platform. The plane gets damaged from the explosions of all the ordinance that the Russian military erroneously launched at Kuratov’s platform. I say erroneously because the guy can manipulate technology so obviously he just takes control of the missiles, and uses them blow up everything around him.

Anyway, the Guardians wash up on the banks of a river after Khan cuts them free from the aforementioned plane that got destroyed. Then they discuss going back to finish the job. However, Larina explains that they have greater untapped powers if they can only work together. So they group hug, and they create a giant EMP that damages Kuratov’s satellite hacking antenna, and Kuratov falls to his death, and the day is saved! But it wouldn’t be a trope-y action film without a stinger, and you can bet the farm that this movie has one! After the movie ‘ends’ we get a teaser scene where Larina attacks a truck. On the truck she interrogates a soldier who says that he was sent on the mission by a character named Ferrum. There’s also talk about a fifth Guardian. Then we finish up the credits.

Alright, that was a long synopsis. I’m sorry for that. I just want you to be up-to-date on what’s going on in this film. It’s important. This is going to be an uncharacteristically un-critical critique. Like I said, I had very few expectations going into this movie, and they were all fulfilled. The quality of the movie in terms of picture and sound was great. That’s a potential problem when you obtain things unofficially, but in this case, it was great. I had to find the subtitles separately, but the Internet is a big place, y’all. That wasn’t that hard. The cinematography in this movie is surprisingly well done. There are fantastic, dare I say sweeping wide angle establishing shots. The angles used on characters are effective. The lighting and contrast help enrich the narrative, and use of color is actually a bit better than in a lot of US movies, at least when there is color in frame. The acting is… Well, I can’t really comment on that as this is the only Russian film I’ve ever seen. I think it gets a tiny bit over-the-top a couple of times, but it is a superhero film so that’s to be expected. The story is pretty tight, at least as much as I was able to understand from the subtitles. The pace is brisk, which I can appreciate. There aren’t any huge, story ruining plot holes. And finally, the music is pretty good. I think my only two gripes are that the characters are pretty flat and stereotypical, and the subtitles were, at times, completely incomprehensible. Other than that, two thumbs up. I really have to applaud this movie even moreso because the studio produced a film that it just shy of Hollywood blockbuster quality on a budget of 5.5 million dollars. I watched this with a friend and he commented that the movie was almost as good quality as a Hollywood movie, and then he heard the budget, and nearly lost his jaw to the floor. It’s really amazing in that context. It's seriously one of the best foreign films that I've seen all year! It's rife with tropes from start to finish, but in all the right ways, and it's just fun to watch!

Seriously, y’all, this movie drops in the US on December 5, and I already have it on pre-order through Amazon. Once it’s out, stream it through Amazon Prime, or get it from Netflix DVD services, or something, but give this movie a watch because I promise you, you will not be disappointed! It’s just so much fun to watch! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Stay tuned to next week to see what kind of fun we can get into!