Critical Mass Crit Mass Celebration Week 5: Ghostbusters 2

I hope you didn’t think that I’d leave you hanging on the last week of the year! It’s been busy, but I always have time to entertain my wonderful readers! We’ve been looking at offbeat holiday films all month, but our big one just happened sooooo….. I hope you had a good one. But, with New Year’s Eve right around the corner I figured it would be a totally transparent excuse to look at a movie that also takes place right around New Year’s Eve. Ghostbusters 2 came out in 1989, the same year that we got such magnificent films as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Batman, and Star Trek V: The Search for God. There was a writer’s strike that had been going on that year so good scripts were hard to come by, but GB2 managed to have a pretty good lighthearted story that, although not quite as good as the original, still managed to tell a fun and enjoyable story, and it’s still my favorite of the two films.

The film opens with the ominous score and the “Five Years Later” script card telling us that it’s been five years since the events of the previous film, although since it was released in 1989, and the first one was released in 1984, hopefully that was the assumption of most viewers going into the movie, but it’s nice to get some context anyway. We start up this wacky tale with Ray and Winston, the two less popular characters in the main ensemble. They’re driving a worn and ragged looking Ecto-1, and we see that they’re performing for a birthday party! Now, for some reason, during their performance of the iconic plagiarized song, all of the kids start chanting “He-Man”. I don’t quite get this because He-man had been off the air for a number of years before this movie came out. Wouldn’t it have been more socially relevant to chant for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Not only were they huge at this point, their franchise was built completely off of merchandising just like Ghostbusters so it would have worked on more than one level. Maybe they should have let me write the script for whatever you call that trainwreck that came out earlier this summer. At least I’m witty. Anyway, this scene is meant to give us the impression that the ol’ Ghostbusters are all washed up. Ray and Winston are performing for birthday parties, Egon was running a science lab, and our good buddy Peter was hosting a BS show about psychics. Fun fact: according to Peter Venkman’s World of the Psychics, the world was supposed to have ended this past Valentine’s Day.

Well, everything seems to be fairly mundane, especially when we find out that Dana Barrett has been moonlighting as a restorationist for a classical art museum. They don’t just let her do this unsupervised though. She works with a charming, yet creepy man named Dr. Janosz Poha, played by the subtly hysterical Peter MacNicol. He’s recently acquired a rare and prestigious piece that he’ll be restoring personally, a portrait of Vigo the Carpathian! Vigo is one scary looking dude, let me tell you, and as we’ll see, he has eyes for Dana, or, Dana’s kid. Dana leaves the museum and picks up her kid, and on the way home, the stroller just develops a mind of its own and takes off with Oscar, the kid, in it. It weaves and bobs through crowds and winds up in the middle of traffic! Luckily the incident leaves the child unscathed, but it’s enough scare for Dana to approach Ray and Egon for help, but she explicitly requests that they not tell Peter, probably because he’s a self-absorbed douche. But, he needles the information out of them by physically assaulting Ray, and when the two of them show up to inspect Dana’s apartment, Peter forcibly inserts himself, and potentially damages Dana’s super expensive cello in the process. This scene is actually pretty funny as it gives us a little character insight. Egon and his siblings straightened their slinky as kids, and we find out that, quite surprisingly, Peter is actually pretty good with kids. No signs of paranormal foul play are found and so Ray tells Dana to call should anything else happen, then they leave.

In the meantime, Janosz has awoken the sleeping portrait of Vigo, and Vigo recites to him some BS prophecy about how he (Vigo) is to usher in the apocalypse, but he needs a vessel first in the form of a child. Dun, DUn, DUN! Janosz tells Vigo that he knows of a child that would be perfect, and then requests from this ancient demigod that he be able to take Dana as a wife because, and I can’t stress this nearly enough, he’s creepy. And thus we see that Janosz sells his soul to Vigo for the low price of marrying Sigourney Weaver, which when I say it out loud, doesn’t actually sound like that bad of a deal. She is a pretty good looking person after all. But I digress. There’s a power outage caused by the Ghostbusters as they were investigating the sewer system for paranormal goo. Janosz shows up to check on Dana, but she turns him down flatter than a Japanese nanoscopically sterile toilet. Our boys get arrested for investigating the supernatural, a breach of an injunction filed against them by the city, and they’re hauled off to jail. The ensuing court scene is also really funny as Harris Yulin plays the judge and his over-the-top no-nonsense performance is just fantastic paired with the irony of the situation to come. Tully is back representing the Ghostbusters and his bumbling is also hilarious, especially as Peter is feeding him lines to say to the jury. Well, the judge’s hard nosed attitude gets the slime in a tizzy and it brings back the ghosts of two convicts that the judge gave the chair, which really dates this film because New York hasn’t had the death penalty for over a decade. The ghosts harass the courtroom occupants and the judge has to eat all of the words he declared not a few minutes prior to this incident. The Ghostbusters use their old equipment to catch the ghosts and the judge drops all of the charges and lifts the restraining order.

This puts the Ghostbusters right back on the map as their commercials start running again,and the Ecto-1 gets a much needed makeover. The rehire Janine, and set shop back up in the fire house. It’s almost like nothing ever happened. In all the commotion, the pink ooze attacks Dana and Oscar while she’s trying to give him a bath. This prompts her to temporarily move in with Peter at his place, which gives the two characters a chance to rekindle their romance. That culminates in dinner between them as the rest of the team go to further investigate the river of slime below the city. In the process, they fall in and when they get spat back out, they get into a fight. Because of this, Egon realizes that the slime is the physical manifestation of NYC’s negative emotions built up over centuries. The B team crash the dinner party and everyone goes to meet with the mayor. I gotta say, he gets the best line out of either of the movies as he tells the team off, but I’ll leave that a surprise. Go ahead and check it out! Well, after the meeting, and with an election coming up, the mayor’s aid, Hardemeyer, played by this guy:

has the Ghostbusters committed so that they won’t bring negative attention to the mayor.

Geez, and I thought this guy was bad.

Unsurprisingly, all hell breaks loose as the city finds itself besieged by the supernatural. Ghosts are everywhere, and the city emergency services lines are ringing off the hook. The Titanic pulls into port for crying out loud! By the way, Cheech Marin gets a cameo in that scene. It’s very cool. The mayor starts panicking, and wants to know where the Ghostbusters are. Needle head explains that he had them committed in order to help the mayor’s re election bid. This gets him fired, but the Ghostbusters are released, and it’s up to them to save the day. They concoct a plan wherein they’ll slim down the inside of the Statue of Liberty, and play upbeat and more importantly uplifting music to positively charge the slime. They use this happy slime to make the Statue walk through New York as New Yorkers along the route send good vibes. This scene features a cameo by the NES arcade controller. It’s very cool. The team use the good vibes of the people, and the torch from the statue to break into the museum where Janosz and Vigo are holding Dana and Oscar. There’s a final showdown, but the Ghostbusters manage to save the day by hosing down the painting and Janosz with happy slime. There’s a celebration not unlike the first movie, minus the inclusion of Ron Jeremy, and everyone lives happily ever after, especially Janosz.

All in all, it’s a really good film. Sure the crudeness of the humor has been toned down quite a bit, and the aesthetic has been shifted to more closely resemble that of the cartoon, which was also running at the time, but the story is funny and uplifting, the plot is solid, the acting is brilliant, and in general, it just leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It does leave me with a few questions that were conspicuously overlooked in the trainwreck. For example, I really want to know just how many hours it takes for Dana and Peter’s relationship to implode. Also, does Janosz ever actually get laid? I’m inclined to say no, but his attempts could be an entire movie by themselves! That’s what I wanted out of the disaster, but alas, those questions, and so many more will most likely have to go unanswered. Also, just how ugly to you think Tully and Janine’s kids really ended up being? Gosh, I may have to take up fan fic after all. Anyway, enjoy this one while the new year is upon us, or any other time of the year because it will leave you happier than when you started it, and from this blogger to all of you, many thanks, and happy new year! I’ll see you on the other side, and we’ll continue looking at all things media!

Critical Mass Crit Mass Celebration Week 4: Die Hard

Two DAYS! That’s how many days we have until Christmas! I’m not quite ready for it to be here, or for it to be done as this has been a tremendously enjoyable holiday season for me! I’ve had way too much fun sharing some of my favorite holiday films with you guys. I saved the a real treat for you guys we’re looking that the brilliant Bruce Willis Christmas classic Die Hard. I’m so totally excited to review this one because I had forgotten just how well this movie delivers so let’s get crackin on this superlative movie!

We open as our hero, John McClane, played by Willis, is landing in an airplane at the airport. There’s some apparent tension in McClane’s demeanor and some jerk gives John the worst advice ever… for an action film. The guy says that to relieve stress, John should take off his shoes and socks and roll his toes on the carpet. This will be very important later on. John gets off the plane and a plucky looking fellow named Argyle is waiting in the terminal with a sign that has John’s name on it. Argyle is a limousine driver sent to take John to his (John’s) wife’s fancy pants high rise skyscraper office building, the ill fated, and by this point, well known Nakatomi Tower. We find out through expositional conversation that actually feels pretty organic that John and his wife have been on the rocks because she got a great job as a… something… out in California while John opted to stay in New York to finish helping out his police officer brethren. I guess there’s a lot of loyalty between detectives, but I’m here to tell you that if it came down to my cop buddies, or my wife, I’m sticking with the one with whom I share a bed each night. Ya know, for the record. And also for the record…. I mean my wife. There’s no need to pervert things here. Anyway, Argyle is quite possibly the coolest limo driver ever. Hmm… I wonder if there’s an official title for limo drivers? *Three minutes later…* Looks like limo drivers like to pretend to me chauffeurs although I don’t think that title is actually applicable personally, but what do I know. Whatever you call them, Argyle has to be the coolest one ever to have existed. He tells John to call the car phone to let Argyle know if John will be staying, or will need a ride to a local hotel that night. Then Argyle parks his limo in the underground parking garage. That’s also important.

So John goes into the building and the front desk guy is all like, “Look it up with the computer.” That’s pretty cool because this was 1988, but at the same time, shouldn’t John be having a little bit more trouble because it’s 1988? Ya know what? I’m gonna give the movie points for not using what would become a tired trope several years later. John looks for his wife’s office, but can’t find it until… Oh right… She’s probably using her maiden name. Oooh… That’s not good. Meanwhile, John’s wife Holly is having a par-tay with her coworkers. They had a record breaking quarter and a solid end to the year, or something so might as well get hammered and hit on each other because it was the 80s! We’re introduced to Holly as the all business type who’s just there to do her job, and we also meet quite possibly one of the biggest a**holes in cinematic history, Harry Ellis, played by Hart Bochner. This guy is just… Well, you’ll see. Holly is just trying to get some last minute work done, and Harry is just trying to get in Holly’s pants. There’s a cut when all of the stuff that I already talked about with John happens, then the next time we see Harry, he’s doin some blow because it was the 80s! Harry and Holly’s boss sing Holly’s praises until she returns and then there’s the obligatory, and cliche awkward reunion, but this one works pretty well because you can see affection layered under some other somewhat negative emotions, and it’s all pretty well presented. John asks if he can freshen up, and Holly takes him to a private bathroom. They chat, she leaves, he feels really stressed out and so he takes off his shoes and socks. Terrible mistake, and you’re gonna see why so many times during this movie.

Now everyone that usually works at Nakatomi Tower has left except the people at the party, which is being held on the 30th floor. Why is that important? Because our baddie, Hans Gruber, played by the late Alan Rickman, show up and do some takin over. They cut communication with the security system, and probably kill the front desk guy, who probably got an undue bad wrap, and they talk a little bit about their plan, but in really vague terms before they show up on the 30th floor and take everyone hostage. They even crotch block poor Harry in the process. John hears the commotion and finds an opportunity to escape up some stairs. He remembers to grab his gun, but not his shoes. He realizes that things are terribly wrong when he tries the phone and it doesn’t work. Now he knows that he’s in for the long haul as the one man that can save the day. At this point, I’m not sure just how much detail to go into for this synopsis. You see, there are a lot of important details and I feel I include some, then I need to include all of them so that everything really makes sense. But if I go a bit more broad strokes, then you get the jist without me missing something that is key. We’ll just see how this goes I guess. So John reaches relative safety, and starts doing recon, and trying to get familiar with the building. In the process, he sees that these baddies have guided missiles. That little detail is supposed to solidify the notion that these guys really mean business, but we kind of get that impression earlier when they initially storm the castle as it were. They cut the phone lines, kill the lobby guards, install an impersonator, and lock down all of the entrances. They’re pretty thorough. And if that weren’t enough, Hans Gruber is super detailed about the big boss guy he’s looking for as he’s looking through the hostage crowd. These were pre-Google days so the information that he spouts would have taken a ton of effort to find. But yeah, they have missiles. That’s crazy!

Now Hans is a great villain because his motives are kept ambiguous throughout the movie. From the start, we’re made to believe that he’s tied to some European terrorists organization out for revenge. When he abducts the head honcho, he asks for codes to their computer system, and we’re lead to believe that he’s trying to ruin the company financially by performing a lot of fraudulent and stupid business moves. But all we really do know is that he’s extremely intelligent, and methodical. He dreams up hecka good plans, and he’s ruthless. John happens to overhear everything as Hans is trying to get the computer codes, and also when Hans kills head honcho guy. John manages to escape unnoticed, but needs a way to communicate with someone outside the building. I think at this point, we’ll montage a little. John does quite a bit of snooping around, and a number of baddies get killed in the process. There’s the guy that John kills that had the machine gun:

This guy! :D

Then there’s the guy that had the explosives that John killed. There was a guy who had a brother on the baddie squad that got strangled, and eventually the brother as well. In between killings, John gets a radio, which he uses to contact local police dispatch. This gets Sgt. Al Powell involved. He’s played by the guy who played Carl Winslow in Family Matters and I’ll probably just call him Carl from here out. Carl is important to the film because he’s the moral support. The entire film, John is outgunned, and outclassed by his enemies. To make matters worse, at some point, one of the baddies realizes that he’s not wearing shoes and shoots out a window. Have you ever tried walking with cut up feet? I’m sure it hurts something fierce! But Carl helps John stay focused and grounded. He also manages to get more actual police involved. This winds up being kind of a morbid running joke as the lead officer refuses to listen to John and gets made to look a fool because of it. Unfortunately, this results in several good police officers losing their lives. Remember those missiles? The baddies use it to blow up and armored SWAT truck, and several SWAT guys get killed trying to breach the front doors. And all because Chief Robinson couldn’t bring himself to trust a pencil pusher.

Now don’t think for a second that old Hans wasn’t listening into John’s conversations, but John was smart and he used a fake name, Roy Rogers. This sparked probably the best known aspect of the entire movie, “Yippee ki yay, Mr. Falcon.” So… That.. That’s… not what he really says…. But I at least try to keep things somewhat clean around here so that’s all you get. But yeah, the back and forth between John and Hans is both amusing and tense as each tries to get the upper hand on the other and Hans tries to figure out who his unseen nuisance is. John also spends a lot of time talking to himself in a fairly disparaging way. It’s self deprecating, sure, but it’s funny in an almost endearing way. At one point towards the end of the film, Hans sends all of the hostages to the roof for ‘rescue’. This is after super cocky FBI Special Agents Johnson and Johnson, no relation, take over the situation. Instead of letting the hostages go, Hans tries to blow them all up, which only results in the helicopter getting blown up, and Bruce Willis starting a trope. He has to use the emergency fire hose to escape to a lower floor. It’s nail biting, and it’s the first time I know of that it was done so it’s cool. Also, there’s this plot thread where this TV news anchor catches wind of the situation and wants to break the story. He’s played by William Atherton, the same guy that played the EPA guy in Ghostbusters, because of course he is. The TV guy ends up cluing Hans in to the fact that Holly and John are related, but that only after our good buddy Harry tried to sell Holly out. He got murdered for his efforts, which I’m sure no one ever has felt bad about. Now once Holly becomes the sole prisoner, Hans finally clues us into what his real motivations are. It’s really well done. He’s just a thief. There are a crap ton of valuable bonds in a vault that’s nearly impossible to crack that Hans wants. We’re talking, like, over a hundred million dollars worth of bonds.

Well, John takes out pretty much everyone, except the tech guy. Once the vault is cracked, Tech Guy goes to pull the truck up to the loading dock so that they can load the bonds and leave. However, Argyle rams the truck with his limousine and saves the day! Hans and John become entwined in a deadly game of cat and mouse, but in the end, John throws Hans out a window and Hans dies badly, like, hits the ground at an incredible rate of speed badly. John saves Holly, and the day is SAVED! Oh, except that guy that got choked out by hanging earlier that I barely mentioned? Yeah, apparently he survived being strung up from his neck BY A CHAIN, and he makes one last attempt to kill John. However, Carl, who started flying a desk because he accidentally shot a kid, and who now has a huge aversion to shooting his gun totally caps the guy right between the eyes. And now the day is saved. We’re even rewarded with a wide angle city view as the credits roll.

Alright, all snarkiness and joking aside, I LOVE this movie. It had been a while since I last watched it, but I was really impressed with how well it delivers. I mean, you pretty much know what to expect going into it. It’s an action film that’s also a Christmas film, and not just because it takes place around Christmas. But, it exceeds expectations. The action is well executed, the details are not forgotten, the plot is both intriguing and complex, and even the main characters have a depth and complexity to them. For an 80s action flick, that’s a pretty tall feat! The film starts you off slowly like a rollercoaster climbing the first hill, and then it picks up abruptly and dares you to hang on for the ride. It’s an intense and entertaining watch and I would really recommend that you give it a watch if not this holiday season, then next because it’s totally a holiday film. There’s a present, and Handel’s Messiah is featured prominently in the score, and John says, “Ho, ho, ho,” a clear allusion to Santa. But whether you think it’s a holiday film or not, it’s still a seat of your pants thrill ride worth taking! Stick around because next week, we’re doing the last post of 2016! What surprises might be in store for 2017? Perhaps I’ll give you a slight peek next week!

Critical Mass Crit Mass Celebration Week 3: More Batman!

We’re a scant nine days from the big day and there’s no better time to ratchet up the wonder and magic of the season than right now! Accordingly, we’re looking at one of my favorite off beat, but still holiday related films ever. I’m talking about Batman Returns. I didn’t actually get to see this film for quite sometime after its release, but I do remember the marketing for it. McDonald’s did Happy Meal toys, Kenner had a line of toys, and I remember seeing TV spots. But I don’t think I ever saw this film in its entirety until I was in my 20s. I don’t really have much to say by way of introduction here so let’s just jump right into our review.

Unlike its predecessor, Batman Returns actually has a prologue sequence preceding the opening credits. In it, we see the Penguin, one of the main antagonists, born and subsequently abandoned by his parents. Fun fact: Paul Ruben plays Penguin’s father in this film, a role that he would go on to reprise in the TV show Gotham. But, I digress. Once the credits are done, we find ourselves in Gotham Square and the town is getting ready to light the Christmas tree. We then shift to Shreck tower where Max Shreck, played by Christopher Walken, is trying to convince the mayor to go ahead with his plan to build a new power plant. The mayor turns him down and they continue to squabble as they head down to oversee the lighting of the tree. It’s during these scenes that we’re introduced to our other antagonist, Selina Kyle, or Catwoman, played by Michelle Pfeiffer. At the tree lighting, Shreck gives a speech, the tree is lit, then a gang of circus people descend on the place to wreak havoc. Although, it’s revealed that they’re attempting to kidnap Shreck. This is where the true star of the show flexes his tremendous acting muscles. Chip Shreck, played by Andrew Bryniarski, steps in to save his dear old dad from certain doom. I gotta say, this guy is the greatest! To hear him speak, you’d think that Burton directed him to do his best terrible Christopher Walken impression. It is just fantastic!

This guy! Best character in the movie!

Anyway, Batman shows up in his patented Batmobile to save the night! Now, one thing that remains somewhat consistent in the Batman mythology is Batman doesn’t kill, but by my figures, his kill count during this film stands at a whopping three so maybe he was having an off week, or something. Batman meets Selina Kyle while saving her from a thug, and he manages to stave off the circus gang. Meanwhile, Max Shreck is in fact kidnapped, and we get our official introduction to the Penguin. He get’s a fabulous entrance dripping with sarcasm, and lousy with villainesque over confidence. A few words on the Penguin: It’s really hard to see him as sympathetic despite the fact that I think that’s how he was supposed to be seen. He’s devious, underhanded, misogynistic, duplicitous, and just all around a terrible person. The first we see him, he’s trying to garner sympathy just before the conversation devolves into blackmail. However, his makeup is seriously on point! Every aspect of his makeup integrates incredibly well. From his pointy beak shaped nose, to his bony flipper hands, to his black ooze saliva, everything comes together very naturally. My final observation where the Penguin is involved: I’m not sure if his scheme in this film is deviously brilliant, or convoluted, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

So Penguin blackmails Max Shreck into helping him reveal himself to Gotham. Shreck in turn sees this as an opportunity to install a stooge as mayor so that he can build his power plant. The next major thing that happens is Kyle has to go back to the office to get prepped for a business meeting that’s taking place the next day between Shreck and Bruce Wayne. Before we move on here, I’d like to give the rundown on Catwoman. I really like Pfeiffer’s version of Catwoman a lot, and not just for the obvious reasons. Pre-mental break Selina is timid, and repressed which offers a great contrast to the self-empowered, if lunatic person she becomes after she transforms into Catwoman. And speaking of that, her transformation in this movie is exceptionally well portrayed! She transitions from naive optimism to jaded cynicism in just one scene and the difference is striking, but the process is as heartbreaking as it is disturbing. I’m sure most people can relate to situations that have pushed us to the edge emotionally, and perhaps even pushed us over that precipice. That just adds to the emotional weight that that scene carries. But what catalyzes this transformation you may ask? Oh, Max Shreck pushes Kyle out of a very high window in an attempt to kill her for finding out too much about his power plant idea. Shreck thinks he’s got the job done, but then while he’s meeting with Wayne, Kyle shows up. This is a really important scene as it establishes a connection between Kyle and Wayne. And I have to say, the chemistry between those two is great! Keaton does such an awesome job playing the smitten romantic during that scene. Puppy love is just plastered all over his face.

That evening, Penguin lets his gang run amok at Shreck’s behest. Catwoman sets out to vandalize Shreck’s department store as retribution, and Batman gets caught in the middle. This becomes a running theme throughout the film with all three characters intertwining pretty complexly. It’s handled pretty well, and it really adds to the narrative as we get to see how two loose cannons struggle to outwit the Batman. After the chaos of the night, Penguin, backed by Shreck, announces that he’s making a bid to have the current mayor removed, and that he’s running as a replacement. It’s after this announcement, that Catwoman and Penguin agree to join forces to take down Batman. Their preferred method for doing so is to discredit him and turn him into a villain as well. To that end, Penguin rigs the Batmobile so that he can control it remotely. Also, they use a Batarang to kidnap the winter princess that lights the tree each night. Eventually, the two miscreants frame Batman for killing the winter princess. But there’s really an important question that I think requires asking here. How did Penguin get ahold of blueprints for the Batmobile? I mean, I know that he finds a lot of interesting stuff sifting through Gotham’s trash, but seriously, does anyone think that Bruce Wayne or Alfred would be careless enough to just toss those incriminating documents in the waste basket? Wouldn’t they maybe need them later should the Batmobile somehow get damaged so that they could repair it? Food for thought people. It’s why you’re here, right?

Well, Penguin does use his remote access to the Batmobile to send Batman on a road rage. People are nearly run over, property is destroyed, and Batman looks like a chump. The next day, Penguin holds a press conference to further disparage the mayor for putting his trust in Batman, who has obviously experienced some sort of break himself. However, Batman recorded all of the things that the Penguin had said while hijacking the Batmobile so Alfred hacks the microphones…. Somehow…. And plays the remarks over the loudspeakers. This immediately destroys any public support that Penguin ever had, and sends Penguin packing down to the sewers from whence he came. Meanwhile, Wayne and Kyle have shared an evening together, and as Batman and Catwoman, gotten some hand to hand combat training at the other’s expense. I don’t mean to make light because a couple of elements are thrown in during these exchanges that lead to the two of them realizing the secret identity of the other. This reveal is played extremely well! The hurt and confusion on Selina’s face, and the general air of disappointment that Keaton portrays are touching, and well played. That scene drives home the theme of duality pretty well as Kyle realizes that she can’t have her fairytale world with all of the demons that she currently possesses no matter how much she wants to believe that she can. Wayne, too, realizes that despite his best wishes, he and Kyle can never be together, and it’s pretty intense. Anyway, Penguin crashes Shreck’s party and kidnaps him again. Remember when I mentioned Penguin’s plan? We’re about 20 minutes out from the end of the film and now the Penguin finally reveals what that plan is. He’s going to kidnap all the firstborn sons of Gotham and drown them in toxic sludge! How deranged! Oh, also he’s strapped rockets to the backs of penguins and he’s sent them to blow up Gotham Square.

Well, in the end, Batman thwarts Penguin, Catwoman get revenge on Shreck by murdering him, and the penguins all survive. We see Alfred driving Wayne around the city, for some reason, and then a quick glimpse of a shadow in an alley. Wayne jumps out of the car to investigate only to find a stray cat, which he apparently adopts. Then the camera pans up, and we see the bat signal, and there’s Catwoman, standing on a rooftop triumphantly, and somehow she’s managed to fix her costume super fast. And that’s Batman Returns.

This movie is good, but it’s certainly not great, and certainly not as great as its predecessor. Sure this movie is dark and gothic and more than a little disturbing like the 89 film, but I think it may actually take a lot of those elements a little too far. One really cool thing about the Burton Batman films is that they’re not really about Batman. We get to delve into the intricacies of the human psyche, but we do so through the eyes of the villains. Batman’s existence is examined through his villains, and that works really well. And it’s done here, but where this movie tends to fall flat with me is in its hurry to be bigger than the 89 film. There were more villains, there were more explosions, and as a result, there was less substance. As I said, there was an underlying theme of duality on the part of Batman and Catwoman, moreso on Catwoman, but that theme doesn’t get explored as thoroughly as maybe it should have in order to make it impactful. There’s a tragic Penguin backstory just begging to be exploited more, and it unfortunately has to take a backseat to other elements of the film. We get an expositional scene where we find out that Penguin got adopted by a circus. Now if movies have taught us anything about circuses, it’s that they’re a terrible environment for children to grow up in. Seeing some of that might have made Penguin more sympathetic, but as it stands, when he dies, he gets a one liner that I sort of chuckle at, and beyond that, I couldn’t care less. On the other hand, Catwoman is used brilliantly for the most part. She’s the sympathetic anti-hero that Gotham needs. Her struggle to reconcile her two personalities comes off as tragic and extremely organic. Plus, that cat suit, am I right? Oh come on, if you try to tell me that you don’t find Pfeiffer’s Catwoman at least a little disturbingly sexy, then you’re lying to yourself. Her suit is like Command Riker’s beard; it creates its own gravitational field.

There are definitely positives to this movie, and it deserves praise. The atmosphere is fantastic, the score is awe inspiring, and the action is nail biting. Even the story holds together relatively well until the final act of the film. The characterization that was allowed to take place is brilliant. Obviously, Batman is old hat to an extent, but Shreck, Kyle and Penguin all develop reasonably well for the amount of time that they have to build. Shreck is just a deplorable human being that will exploit any opening he can find to take advantage of someone. Kyle, as I said is our sympathetic anti-hero with a self-assuredness that would make any woman jealous, and she evolves from a timid, and plucky push over with no self-esteem whatsoever. The Penguin walks a really fine line between being almost sympathetic, and being just the biggest a-hole ever to have existed and as a result, you just kind of love to hate him. He’s divisive, and insincere, and it is pretty awesome. I guess most of my problems with this movie stem from the final act. It all goes so well until then, and then it gets muddled and messy. It’s still pretty satisfying, but it could have been much moreso had there maybe been just a little more focus. However, it’s still an extremely fun film to watch and I highly recommend doing so during this holiday season! You’ll be entertained and somewhat disturbed all in one sitting! Happy holidays and stay tuned to see what I’ve got in store next week!

Critical Mass Day Zero Post

Day Zero Post:

Welcome to Critical Mass Media Review. My name is KC and I hope you enjoy what you see. Let's get some stuff out of the way. First, why am I doing this? Well, I have lots of opinions and some people actually value them. I also have an innate talent for seeing things the way they are. I don't mess with nostalgia, or rose colored glasses so you can rest assured that my opinions are as close to unbiased as they come. But most importantly, I get bored and when I get bored, I consume media. Then I get ideas and so this is an outlet for those ideas. Maybe you'll find some of what I have to say enlightening. Perhaps you won't. That's not really my concern.
Second, what qualifies me to do this sort of thing. Well... Nothing really. I do work as a professional in the music industry and I have put a lot of effort into learning about technical and storytelling techniques as it pertains to film, but at the end of the day, I'm just playing armchair QB so none of what I say is doctrinal. You'll find that I can be pretty self-deprecating. It's just my sense of humor, which is really dry by the way. I hope it resonates with you on some level.
Third, what can you expect. That's a really good question. I'll review those things that I've been experiencing most recently and that have welled up feelings passionate enough to comment on. Mostly, I imagine that will entail science fiction film as I get a lot of that in my life and I have the most experience with it. But, I do read the occasional book and since it is, technically, my profession, there might be some music in there. I don't do a ton of video games, but on the rare occasion that one endears itself to me one way or another, I may comment about it.
I realize that I can't police all of the Internet, but I would like to lay out some ground rules. I don't like trolls. I don't feed them and if you comment as one, I'll just delete the post. I do encourage comments that are constructive and well informed though. I appreciate hearing the opinions of others so that I can reflect on what has been said and see how it fits my personal paradigm. It's my personal opinion that if there isn't any challenge taking place in your life, you're not getting the full experience.
I think I've covered most of the bases. A final note, I'm pretty novice at this and I'm not entirely certain what I want it to be when it all comes together so bear with me as I undertake the mundane process of shaping this the way I would like it to go. I'll attempt to make the trip as fun as possible for you, although I make no guarantees. However, I promise to at least attempt to dazzle you with my overabundance of wit and charisma throughout this journey*. Please enjoy and if something gets you riled up, feel free to share you substantiated opinion.

*Author makes no guarantees of usage of either wit, nor charisma, or anything even remotely approaching humor.

Critical Mass Crit Mass Celebration Week 2: Another, Slightly Weirder Christmas Story

Well, we’re scant weeks from the biggest holiday of the year and I sincerely hope that all of you out there in webland have been thoroughly enjoying yourselves. I would also like to take the time to thank you for clicking on a somewhat ambiguous link this week. I know I’m usually a more straightforward guy, but this setup was just too good to pass up! A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the best Christmas movie ever made, A Christmas Story. If you don’t agree, you’re not only wrong, you’re deluding yourself. Anyway, I had a schedule worked out for the entire month and for the second week in a row, we’re going off script. I guess my choices just weren’t as interesting in practice as they were in theory. As a result, your regularly scheduled review of Iron Man 3 will be preempted by my review of A Christmas Horror Story!

I know what you’re thinking already. You’re wondering just what the heck you’ve gotten yourself into, and what illicit drug I decided to experiment with this week. To answer the first question, you’ve officially given the beaten path the middle finger and told it where it can shove its… neatness. Second, shame on you! I don’t need drugs! I’m high on life! This may, however, seem like an odd choice, but I assure you that it is in keeping with the theme for this month, and you’ll see why. Finally, let me just say that this review comes as a result of my actually trying out some of my Netflix suggestions. You can draw any conclusions you want as to my taste in movies based on this one suggestion alone. I don’t care, I have no ego. Alright, I think I’ve warned you guys enough. Let’s get into this awesome Christmas experience!

ACHS, as I shall heretofore refer to it, is described by Netflix as an anthology film that tells four tales. I just want to say that if you go off of that description, you’ll be sorely mislead. There are four different stories going on, but they’re not told as separate vignettes. Instead, they’re pretty effectively woven together and told simultaneously. And they’re all related so anthology is a little bit of a stretch, but I’ll forgive it. The film opens on the North Pole after some pretty decent opening credits. Oh, and let me just say right now that this movie has a great score! We see Santa in the stable where he keeps the reindeer and he’s holding an axe. Then the doors to the stable burst open and we cut to… WILLIAM FREAKING SHATNER!!!! Shatner plays a small town radio DJ in this film and I’ll be honest, I decided to watch this movie based on his credit alone. I wasn’t disappointed either. He’s snarky and sarcastic with just a hint of cheese and obliviousness. I’d say it’s one of his better performances actually. Throughout the film, Shatner is the narrative glue that holds the entire story together. We cut periodically from the main stories to his character, whose station is supposed to be holding a food drive at the local mall. That’s important later.

Shatner gives us the setup and mentions off hand a tragedy that the town endured the previous year. Then we cut to three teens lurking outside a high school getting ready to investigate two deaths that had happened the year previous and which they’re doing a school report on. Mention is made of another teen who was supposed to have joined them. This girl shows up and gives the other three keys to the school and tells them that her father decided last minute to take a family trip. The three teens enter the school and start making their documentary video. They watch the actual crime scene video and they mention that one of the officers had taken personal leave after the event and had never come back. There’s a scare as they nearly get caught by the principal, but they get to the school’s basement and begin their investigation. They go to the room where two teens had died previously and take extensive video.

Next, we cut back to the girl who was supposed to have joined them. She and her family, as it turns out, are headed to visit an aunt that likes none of them. There’s bickering and snickering as everyone does their level best to get under everyone else’s skin, but the dad tries to quash it by exclaiming that he just wants some bonding time with his family for Christmas. As they’re driving down a remote and snow covered road, they pass a pickup truck. The focus changes to the truck as a family of three get out. There are two parents and young boy. They’re off in search of that elusive perfect tree. Having struck out at the commercial lots, they’re committing low level felonies instead as they sneak onto someone else’s private property to steal a tree. We stay on them until they come to a fence that is clearly marked “No Trespassing”. Then we cut to the North Pole. Santa and his elves are hard at work making sure that everything is ready for the big night and Mrs. Claus brings in cookies for everyone. Most of the elves dig in, except for one. After a little pushing, he says he just not hungry. Then after a bit more, he blows up at Mrs. Claus and slices his own hand open in the process. It’s at this point that I should tell you that this movie is not for the children. It’s gory, there’s a lot of swearing, and there are some suggestive scenes so tread with caution. After the elf slices his hand, he bleeds to death while spraying all of the other elves with his blood. After all of that settles down, a big deal is made about elves being unable to die.

Now we go back to the family who were going to visit their aunt. The meeting is tense and no one is talking except the dad as the aunt stares at him in annoyment. The son starts playing with a statue and the aunt scolds him pretty harshly. The aunt excuses herself and the son goes back to being an idiot. In the course of events the statue gets broken. A groundskeeper sees the incident and when the aunt returns he explains that it was an unfortunate accident. The family are told to leave immediately and they start off for home, but as they’re arguing, something bolts out in front of their car and they wind up spinning out into a ditch. Meanwhile the teens in the school basement finish their filming and attempt to leave only to find out that they’ve been locked in the basement. OH NO! So they start looking for other ways to get out of the school. We switch over to Shatner who is explaining that people should avoid the mall, and drinking rum as he puts on another song. Then we switch to the family getting the tree. They saw one down and head back for their truck. In the process, the son gets lost. They eventually find the son who had been hiding in the hollow of an old tree. The family gets home and they’re decorating the tree. This is when we find out that the dad is the police officer from the teen’s story who went on leave after the gruesome deaths the previous year. He’s attempting to repair his relationship with his family, but his son is having none of that. The mom decides that maybe the son needs dinner so she makes him spagheti. This kid just scarfs this spagheti right down. I really have to give kudos to the actor. He just shovels mouthful after mouthful without missing a beat or chewing! This ticks off the dad so mom puts the son to bed.

We’re back to the teens locked in the basement as they finally find a storage room where they can at least rest comfortably as they have failed to find a way out of the basement. They’re doing the typical speculation that one would expect from people in a dire situation and talking about who in their lives might think to alert authorities that they’re missing. One of the boys mentions that he’s supposed to be helping his dad run a food drive at the mall. They ultimately come to the conclusion that they’re going to be stuck for a while and start moving into their little makeshift storage squat. They discover the statues for a nativity scene. There’s some plodding filler, and then we jump back to the family with the aunt. They’re wandering through the woods trying to get back to town when they start to hear strange noises. The son mentions that perhaps it’s Krampus as the rest of the family look at him like he’s got a carrot growing out of his nose. Then there’s a loud shriek and a blur whizzes out of the shadows and wraps itself around the dad’s neck, and it yanks him through the air! Mom and daughter go to check on the dad as the son goes to retrieve a road flare that they’ had been using to light their journey, against the cautions of the mom, it should be noted. The son gets the flare, then another shriek as the son is quickly dragged into the shadows. The entire family, who as it’s been previously established are totally dysfunctional, decide that they should probably run, except the mom. I guess she’s alright after all. They run until they reach a church, which they hope will provide them with sanctuary, but the unseen menace whips the dad out of the church through a window using a chain. Mom and daughter hide in the confessional booth, but even that turns out to be futile and before they know it, they’re running again. Well, the daughter is. The mom makes a final stand and gets bitten right in half. It’s at this point that we finally get our first glimpse of the unseen menace, and sure enough, it’s Krampus, and I have to say, for a movie with so little budget, the makeup on this beast is fantastic!

It’s at this point that we’re back to the North Pole and Santa is groping blindly through the dark as he looks for Mrs. Claus. You hear foreboding noises as Santa makes his way through the darkness. He finally does find Mrs. Claus, but she cryptically tells him that it’s too late. Then we get the reveal as a bunch of zombie elves make a break to attack Santa. I swear this happens. Do I seem like the kind of person who could make this kind of thing up? So Santa, armed with just his walking staff, starts going all kung fu fighting on them. Conveniently, Santa’s walking stick has a razor sharp doohickey on the end of it so there are a lot of decapitations that take place at this point. When we cut back to tree family, mom and dad are having some tense words about how dad has been acting so dad goes to wallow in self pity on the couch. Mom checks on the son only to find him sleeping soundly. She gets an ominous phone call from an anonymous man who tells here that she needs to bring her son back to the woods. Refusing to believe the rantings of a lunatic, she hangs up. Meanwhile, the dad has taken to reviewing the case files for the deaths that have come up quite a bit and he’s also got his sidearm next to him at the kitchen table. The mom has drifted off to sleep, but is awoken by a nightmare. She checks on her son again, but he’s not in bed. She goes to the living room to find that her husband has been brutally murdered and her son is missing. So she calls the anonymous man back and he tells her that a changeling has replaced her son, and she must bring it back to the forest. She eventually subdues the creature by beating it several times with a baseball bat and shoving it into a duffle bag.

We cut to Shatner who mentions that there’s a hostage situation in progress at the mall, then we cut back to the teens as the one girl is trying to seduce one of the boys, who we found out toward the beginning is dating the girl who gave them the keys to the school before leaving to visit he aunt. He turns this girl down and we cut to the same girl entering the storage room with the nativity statues. It gets a little awkward as the girl seduces the other boy and they have a quickie. There’s nothing explicit, but it could be jarring to some. Afterward, the girl seems confused and upset. The two teens, to their merit, manage to talk through the events and come to the conclusion that what happened was no one’s fault. The boy asks where the other boy went, and the girl says she left him in the room where the deaths occurred. They got investigate only to find that he’s been brutally murdered. The girl figures out that she’d been possessed by the girl who had died the previous year, whose only wish was to have her baby. After this little revelation, a creepy dead girl appears and kills the one remaining boy. The girl is then let free. When we cut to the sole survivor of auntie family, the girl has returned to the aunt’s house and is trying to get in so that she can escape from Krampus. However, Krampus catches up to her. After a struggle she impales Krampus through the neck and lights him on fire! It’s only after all of this that the aunt lets the girl in the house because the aunt sucks. The aunt explains that Krampus is a spirit that can seize control of people with ugly feelings in their hearts and that that is what happened to the groundskeeper when the statue was broken. The girl figures out that the aunt only sent the family away because she knew that Krampus would hunt the family, which would keep the aunt safe, again because the aunt sucks. Following this revelation, the girl gets angry, morphs into Krampus and eats the aunt! Finally, we cut to the tree family. Mom returns the changeling, who again, has some great makeup! The mysterious man says that his family have owned the forest for generations and have acted as the guardians of the changelings. The mom, who is spooked and armed, asks where her son is and the man tells her that he doesn’t know and can’t help. She gets startled, and shoots the man. The changeling postures like he’s going to kill her and she pleads for her son back. So… The changeling enters the tree hollow and… releases her son… This seemed like a weird way to take that story at first, but I suppose that the changelings did owe her one for essentially freeing them to run amok.

Finally, we cut back to Santa at more or less the same moment that we encountered him at the beginning of the film. He’s got his axe and he’s prepping the sleigh for departure. The doors burst open with a blinding light and when the light subsides, Krampus is standing in the doorway! That’s right, this entire movie has been building to a knock down, drag out battle between Santa Claus and Krampus! And let me tell you, it doesn’t disappoint! The fight is super intense and really well choreographed. It appears to end on an anticlimactic note as Santa chops off one of Krampus’s horns and Krampus pleads with Santa not to kill him. It’s at this point that the Santa scene starts to break down before our eyes and everything finally begins to make sense. Remember the food drive? As it turns out, Santa was played by the radio station guy who had been put in charge of running the food drive. He was so done with Christmas and life that he had a psychotic break and went on a killing spree. The elves, and Mrs. Claus were just innocent bystanders. Fueled by this delerium, “Santa” attempts to finally end “Krampus” and takes a copious amount of lead to his chest. And that’s more or less where we end.

Now I’m sure that my synopsis has missed a number of details despite its lengthy nature, and on paper, this movie probably sounds like a disaster, but it really manages to become more than the sum of its parts. The stories are engaging to watch and well crafted, the script is witty and fairly intelligent, the acting is actually really good, and the special effects are surprisingly well done as well. I only watched this movie for the first time the night before I wrote this article, but it left that much of an impression on me because it came so far out of left field. I went into the film expecting a huge dud, but came out feeling like I might just have stumbled across a new classic. I can’t praise this one enough! I highly recommend giving it a watch, and as I mentioned previously, it’s on Netflix! Hope your holidays are going great! Stick around as next week we look at yet another off beat holiday classic!